Emotional Control Freak

I am full of emotions, so I knew what I needed to do. Word vomit my thoughts.

Whew. It has been a week of discussing worries, how to control them, and how to calm our bodies. We have been busy processing feelings and managing them a lot lately. I thought these topics and conversations were mostly for our children, but after doing a little self-reflection, it is clear I have my issues to sort out.

I am a self-proclaimed lifetime worrier. Plus, I am insanely sensitive, so the two can be a bummer combination. I have many irrational fears, and my mind tends to go to "doom and gloom" far too often. My brain has operated this way since I can remember. I have vivid memories as a kid trying to talk myself down from some insane scenario I concocted in my head. I have worked to contain my anxieties over the years and still do. 

Then, I became a parent. Those worries and anxieties seemed to amplify, especially when I'm not in control of the situation. It is not my best quality, but I'm working on it. That leads me to tonight when my mind and emotions were on overdrive.

Let me give you a little back story. Months ago, my parents planned a weekend to bring the kiddos to their Florida home without us. (To be fair, they did say we could come too - but we thought it would be a fun experience for the kids!) We were unable to get down there last Winter, so it seemed like the perfect chance for my parents to show the kids the city they fell in love with, introduce them to their new friends, find shark teeth on the beach, and swim every day and make memories. Sounds magical, right? I agree.

But then my mind started racing, coming up with every possible worst-case scenario. Then the thought of me not being with the kids for five days, not in complete control of the situation seemed too overwhelming. Can you say, helicopter Mom? Yeah, I know. Remember, I'm working on it.

Emmett shared his worries all week, and collectively we worked through those. Harper often has a tough exterior, but she could sense the apprehension this week with Emmett and then with me today - which is not what I wanted to do. My role as the parent is to calm their nerves, not emulate them!

We dropped them off tonight at my parents so they can catch their early morning flight. There was a lot of excited, nervous energy from the kids, but as soon as we went to say our goodbyes - oof. Emmett gave me a big squeeze and whispered, "please don't go, Mom." Queue the waterworks. I cried, he cried, and Harper watched us full of empathy. My Mom and Mitch hung back and let us highly emotional people work through our feelings; they are used to this by now. I gave them both a giant hug, told them I loved them so very much and that they were going to have such a fun time!

I cried the entire way home like a psycho. Part of me wonders if COVID created this weird separation anxiety on my end. We have traveled plenty of times without our children in the past, and I was sad - but not like this. So why now? Who knows. 

I have talked myself down this evening, locking my worries away in my imaginary worry chest just like I have coached my kids to do. I am practicing the techniques we have all learned to calm my own body - and you know what? I feel better. So, after all that, I am doing just fine. Plus, a reassuring text from my mom helped. Any worries that pop up while they are away, will just have to be told to "go away!" 

I can't wait to hear everything about their Florida adventures over the next five days. Mitch and I have some fun dates planned too, so I am looking forward to spending some quality kidless time together! Cheers to a good weekend!