Back to School Blues
I'm an emotional person - shocking, I know. I found it so strange that the weeks leading up to school I didn't have that usual aching in my belly or the weeks of sporadic tears. I found myself more excited than anything. My babies are growing up. Time sneaking by so fast makes me sad, but watching them morph into their own, individualized person is my absolute favorite thing. I thought my lack emotion was maybe because we chose to send Emmett to FourStar versus Kindergarten. Or maybe it's because all the irrational fears I had two years ago didn't happen when Harper went to kindergarten. I'm realizing they are going to be just fine - they're just growing up.
We did all the normal back to school prep. New clothes, check. New shoes, check. New backpack, check. School supplies, check. The kiddos were set, and I was feeling great about it.
Surprisingly we managed to get to bed at a decent time last night and they slept right through the wicked thunderstorm and tornado warning. When I woke up, I was still feeling unemotional about the day. I walked through the hallway and saw sudden movement as I passed Harper's room. She shot up out of bed with a giant smile on her face singing "It's the first day of schoolllllllll!" She even beat her alarm which rarely happens. Emmett did not pop right up. Although he did move a bit faster than most mornings. He was smiley but couldn't hide his nervous energy. He giggled a lot, gave a lot of unprompted hugs and said "I love you" randomly.
There was no complaining about outfits or the way their shoes fit, which was a relief. Both eagerly grabbed their backpacks and back to school signs and headed outside for my mandatory pictures. Things were going so smoothly!
Mitch and I decided we would both go to dropoff, even though Mitch typically handles morning duty. We walked in, got everyone checked in and headed to Emmett's classroom. He found his locker, and climbed in. After convincing him to come out, he hung up the magnet of our family and a picture of Harper, threw in his backpack and marched right into his classroom.
Once we were inside, he nervously gave his teacher a hug while I turned in his lunch money and paperwork. As we lingered in the classroom, I could tell he was growing more nervous. He put his hands over his eyes, and when Mitch went to comfort him - he bursted into tears. Queue the Mama sobs.
For the next few minutes (which felt like forever) we tried comforting him and showing him the fun things he can do in the classroom. They invited Harper to hang out for a few extra minutes while he settled in. She was so sweet and patient with him, doing her best to make him comfortable. Unfortunately, he wasn't having any of it. He cried while he held on to our arms pleading with us to stay. If that doesn't break your heart, I don't know what will. His teacher kindly told us, we could leave whenever we were ready and they would take it from there. With a puffy face, red nose and watery eyes, I told him to have a good day and walked out of the room. We could hear him crying, and it felt awful. I also realized in the chaos of leaving I said nothing to Harper. No "have a good first day!" or "love you, have fun." I'd like to think she understands, but that doesn't help with the Mom guilt I feel.
My puffy face, red nose and watery eyes have stuck with me most of the day. I prayed for fun, successful days for my kiddos, their teachers and other classmates. I went from having very little emotion about the first day, to wiping random tears. The morning didn't go how I thought it would, but that's a reminder that this is reality. Things aren't picture perfect. Emotions are tricky. Not everyone is super excited for change. Change is hard, and each kid handles things differently. All we can do is be loving, supportive parents and hope the rest works itself out.
I took the day off work for myself to relax and reflect on this new school year. My Mom met me for coffee and kindly sat across the table as I blubbered about this morning and rambled on about pointless things. I met my friend for lunch who sent her oldest daughter to kindergarten today. I fully expected to be the one comforting her on this milestone that often pains parents, but instead she comforted me.
Today, this Mama has the back to school blues. In less than an hour they'll be home, and I'm anticipating giant smiles on their faces as they walk off that bus. But, if the smiles aren't there - that's okay too. We'll get through this change together, at the pace they need with lots of love and comfort along the way.
So whether your kiddo is the kind that wakes up singing songs about the first day, or the one who need a few extra hugs - I hope they had a good first day of school.
Until next time...
The Helleen's
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